Have you ever sat down to yourself quiet and alone and asked, "How did I get here?" The choices that you made leading up to this point in time are as vague as the clothes you wore 2 weeks ago.
It is sad to say that it took me this long to understand some of the fundamentals of being in a decent relationship. Things will never be 100% perfect when you factor in human error, but there are some things that every female should know and practice for better quality relationships.
I do not want to exclude teens that are beginning to date because they are more susceptible to making the same mistakes that older women have already made.
So, I'll start by saying females, in general, have always been required to deal with whatever they get in a relationship and be satisfied with less than what they put out whether it be effort, affection, communication or love.
(I'm not saying that every woman is in an unfulfilling relationship, however, I am primarily speaking to the ones who are.)
You want more, you deserve more so why don't you have more?
More starts with you.
Going from teenager to womanhood (for most if not all females) is quite difficult, more difficult than most would like to acknowledge.
The painful scars of rejection and ridicule combined with the pressures of looking a certain way in order to be considered attractive seems to have conditioned females on a large scale to operate in ways counterproductive to enabling them to experience emotional growth and quality relationships.
This is what I have learned from my own personal journey so far:
1.) Know Your Self Worth - When you shop for anything be it clothes, food or a car, etc., do you purchase just anything old, torn, expired or rusted thing or do you consider if the item is "Worth" spending your hard earned money on? You are no different. Understand that you ARE worthy enough to have a loving, caring and positive relationship with a guy who truly respects you. Start by not comparing yourself to others and focusing on/reinforcing your good qualities to boost your Self-Esteem.
2.) Bring Something To The Table - Before you could attempt at being in a relationship with another human being you have to assess who and where you are in life. Spending time alone is NOT a bad thing nor is being single because it gives you the freedom to do what you have to do for yourself and most importantly, get to know yourself. Find out what your strengths and weaknesses are. What areas would you like to improve? What bad habits do you have that you would like to change? What are your goals? These are good questions to ask yourself to better understand who you are and what you want in order to empower yourself to make a conscious decision. This will help you to have better control of the quality of your relationships. Also ask yourself, "What qualities do you want in your man?"
You must be a reflection of what you want in your partner, so that you can recognize that character in him and have stronger compatibility. If you are lazy don't expect to be with a hardworking guy. If you are a slob, do not expect to be with a "neat freak". If you are cheap/stingy you cannot expect to be with a generous and giving man.
3.) Set Standards - Now that you've been working on bettering yourself and actually having something to bring to the relationship table you can be confident enough to know what you want and know that you deserve it. Ask yourself, "What type of guy am I looking for? Make a checklist of qualities/ character traits that you definitely want, the ones that you can deal with either way, then those that you can do without. It's important to know what you will and absolutely will not accept upfront so that you do not wind up down the road in a disastrous relationship where you despise the person you thought you loved. This will save you and any potential daters time and stress. Set your standards and stick to it! Females often times have a problem with accepting BS from guys to compensate for something as insignificant as, "well, he made me pay for the dinner AND the movie, but he smelled so good and has such a great body..." You are compromising your better judgment for something that cannot hold the relationship together in a time of crises. Now I am not saying that you should expect him to pay for everything when you go out on a date. (Like I said in #3, if you are cheap don't expect to be with someone generous.) If you are cheap you are automatically thinking that he will pay your way. And if you think that way then it might be too soon to start dating because you have "Cinderella" syndrome.
ALWAYS BYOM! (Bring Your Own Money) Even if just for emergencies sake, you might need to take a cab or you might get stranded somewhere. Also, if you have your own money you can at least offer to pay half if he decides to foot the bill. Doing this can also give you a glimpse into his personality to see if he is in fact generous or cheap, *but be cautious. Many times a guy will offer to pay and cater to you because he wants "something" in return. To counter that, (if you BYOM) you do have a choice to say, "No, thank you." Consistency on your part is recommended as it will expedite the discovery of his intentions and if he is truly into you or just trying to get into your pants.
Stick to your guns and if it doesn't smell right then DON'T proceed. If you are unsure, use your checklist to determine if this person is even worth your time for a second date. (BTW, if you bring the checklist with you please be discreet about it! Don't pull it out at the dinner table and start asking questions and checking things off. And if I had to tell you that it might be too soon to start dating, lol) Unless the date is a total disaster you might want to consider additional dates until you have enough input to make an informed decision. Set standards, but be realistic about them.
4.) Pay Attention - Giving your heart to someone is no laughing matter. When you apply for a job you fill out an application and have to go on an interview (in most cases) right? So, take yourself seriously and think about who this person is that you are about to let into your heart and world. Yes the feeling of love is nice and wonderful, but feelings change. They are inconsistent and are not the best gauge for determining the quality of a relationship. It is better to have a strong foundation of communication, which promotes trust within a relationship than to ride on the emotional rollercoaster without that foundation in tact. Pay attention to what he says and does not say. Pay attention to what he does and does not do. Pay attention to how he speaks to others (especially his own mother!) and most of all talk to a reliable source (**someone that you trust to tell you the ugly truth no matter what) like a brother/sister, parents or a very close friend. Discuss some of the things that bothers you about the person you are dating to try to understand who they are and most importantly who you are. More often than not your family is good at spotting a loser or someone who does not have your best interest in mind. When you're deciding to go to the next level introduce your guy and pay attention to what your friends/family says about him and the vibes that they get from him. They won't be right 100% of the time, but being cautious will save you the headache of saying, "I wish someone told me that guy was such a jerk in the beginning!" or hearing the words, "I told you so..."
A lot of you aren't going to like me for this, but this is a deterrent when it comes to finding someone decent to start a quality relationship...
5.) No Sex - There are many views and opinions about this topic and I am not going to get into mine, but having sex before you really get to know a person is a serious problem. Even if you do get past the pregnancy scares and still maintain a clean bill of health there is still a present danger. So, you see a guy you like and he seems to like you too. You both hit it off and you delve into conversation sometimes, but are having sex even more than you talk. Can you honestly say that you know this person? Have you seen how he deals with conflict? Do you know what makes him tick? Is he someone you can really trust with your heart? With your life?
It's scary to think about isn't it? Here you could be lying down next to a truly disturbed or abusive individual and you didn’t even know it because you did not try to get to know this person. Now as alarming as that may have sounded, imagine getting pregnant or even marrying this person? You would be looking at a lifetime of pain and Ladies, it's just not worth it. It will be hard at times, but your body is way too precious to just give to anyone who tells you what you think you want to hear!
This is to help my fellow sisters to be better decision makers when it comes to their emotional happiness and well being :)
Where's My Happily Ever After?
A pipe dream was sold to a little girl from the big screen,
By the age of 15 she'd set out to achieve,
Like Cinderella and Prince Charming or Adam and Eve...
That fairytale dream she had seen on the screen.
A few years later she finds that it was all lies
Through broken promises, a shattered heart and many tears.
Her prince wore a disguise.
Something that most young girls like her don't recognize,
Until the dream is destroyed right before their very eyes.
Now at the age of 28 she sat back and realized that she had no happily ever after.
Where's MY happily ever after? Said she
A beautiful princess with dreams of becoming a queen...
The story, undone, has yet to be told.
Who know what may happen or what the future holds.
If she could think it then why couldn’t it be?
She hopes it is marked in her destiny.
Till then I await happily ever after for me.
-RCH 3.27.08
We have been sold a dream. From a young age these mind numbing fairytales, which lead us to believe that a prince charming would sweep us off of our feet and whisk us away into his already furnished castle to a life where he caters to our every whim and gives us money to do whatever we please took us so far from reality... But now it's time to Get Real! In this day and age men are not as chivalrous as in times past, and the ones that are gentlemen are hard to find. This fairytale mentality is dangerous for women and girls alike. We have to get a grip work on ourselves and realize that we don't have to accept or allow bad relationships to happen to us. We can have it if that is what we choose...
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Hi Crowd3rGirl,
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine on Alternet named Jennifer Bedingfield introduced me to your site. I am a guy but I'm trying to help a young neighbor of mine who is in his early 30s overcome anxiety since he got divorced after his ex-wife cheated on him and she turned cruel after he accidently found out. He's nice and everything but I can't help it when he has to go through his bills on his own. He's not able to figure out the road to recovery because he misses being married and he often weeps and cries despite his job success. I do want him to get better but I don't know what it's going to take for him to find his next lady.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteyes I remember Jennifer. She is a sweetheart :)
I feel for your friend and he is able to overcome the devastation that has occurred in his marriage, but I do understand that he needs to go through the grieving process (if the affair and divorce is relatively new).
I, myself, am going through a separation from my husband and these days it is harder to stay married because we do not truly get to know the other person whether it be 1) our fault for not inquiring more about them or 2) it's their fault for not being honest with us about their true character in the first place!
Nonetheless, I feel very strongly that there is someone out there for everyone, but most importantly (even if you don't find that special person) you have to be happy with yourself first.
He is most likely feeling like he is not good enough since an affair is an instant self-esteem killer regardless of gender.
He should begin by reaffirming his strong points and working on things to better himself little by little. A very good thing for him to do now is to start reading more, which is what I have been doing and it really does make a difference!
I just finished a book called Spirit Driven Success, by Dani Johnson and it was extremely informative and inspiring. I highly recommend it!
(I am reading it again)
Write again and let me know how your friend is doing. Anyone else that you know of that I may be able to help is welcome too :)
Thanks and God Bless!
Hi Crowd3rGirl,
ReplyDeleteI found your site while I was reading an article on Alternet about spousal abuse via religion. If only I had read your site when I was young, I wouldn't have given up religion and turned atheist. Let me explain.
I've been through childhood abuse as well as was my mother from my then sick-minded father who used to abuse Christianity to physically and mentally abuse us. He'd put us in chains and even chastity belts. My high school boyfriend, years later my husband, was the son of one of the cops who was able to rescue my mother from being sacrificed from my then abusive father who was close to crucifying her for some mentally insane reason of thinking her spirit would shine for him or some crap. My mother and I turned atheist after he had to go to prison for 15 years. He got out after 5 years because of good behavior and surprisingly he was reformed. I think his experience in chains taught him an invaluable lesson which explains why he never stopped lamenting and regretting his abusing us in chains. Three years after he was released, my parents remarried and my father turned out to be an incredibly soft-hearted man. To this very day, he's shown no signs of cruelty against my mother or I although I live in Northern VA near Washington while my parents live in Louisiana. He's still religious but he's tolerant and completely understands why we've stuck to atheism. Sometimes, he wishes we would be just a little religious but my mother and I are ambivalent at best about it but often remember the horror memories at worst. How is it possible to return to one's religion in situations such as my mother's and mine?
Hi, how are you?
ReplyDeleteThank you for checking out my site. I am glad that it gave you some hope for your situation. I am very sorry that you had to go through that abuse and I will be honest with you that no, the memories of those nightmarish events cannot be erased, but you CAN overcome them.
It breaks my heart when individuals do wicked things in the name of "Christianity", because most people do not know how to seperate the love of God from what they are actually experiencing from someone who, a) professes to be a Christian, yet is using it as a cloak to do evil and b) should naturally have some form of true affection towards them (ex. family members, relatives).
Please make no mistake about it, what happened to you was NOT what God intended for the family unit. Mankind (men/Women) disobeys and turns away from the laws of God and nature and they do very wicked and evil things when they take their eyes off of pleasing God and begin to focus on themselves and their own pleasures.
What we want and what God wants are two different things, but he cannot force anyone to do his will.
It is truly a blessing that your father has been reformed and transformed by the word of God into a new man and that you and your mother are able to forgive him. That speaks volumes in itself that you forgave him! God is a God of love, God is a God of peace and God is a God of forgiveness. You would not have been able to forgive your father if it wasn't for God's grace. God not only changed him for the better, but he gave you and your mother the power to forgive him for all of those years of heartache and pain.
I am so happy to be able to help you. I know that things will work out for you when you trust God, because I am an example.
If there are any other pressing issues on your heart that you would like to discuss, feel free. I am here for you.
*And remember that Christianity is NOT a religion like most people think.
Christianity is the relationship that you have with your Creator, Almighty God, through His Son, Jesus Christ.
God Bless & continue to grow in His grace.
Reply to Crowd3rgirl February 5, 2009 2:52 PM
ReplyDeleteFirst, thanks for the reply and I do have comments and some questions so here goes:
"but most importantly (even if you don't find that special person) you have to be happy with yourself first."
I can't argue with that. I remember making sure I did that before I got married and keeping it that way without doing it at the expense of my wife of course. There's actually plenty that's keeping him from being truly happy with himself. Except for the incident described below, he's like another son to us.
"I feel for your friend and he is able to overcome the devastation that has occurred in his marriage, but I do understand that he needs to go through the grieving process (if the affair and divorce is relatively new)."
As for the young man, I can remember 4 years ago when he and his ex-wife began the seperation. She kept shouting at him and accusing him of everything that happened to her. He would try to reason with her but after 5 months, he realized it was futile. He didn't want to divorce yet but wanted to find out why she did what she did and what it was about him that made her do it. She made a false complaint to his employer that he was abusing her and that he was mentally unstable and unfit. The next day he was laid off without warning or reason. He later found out through one of her friends that she engineered getting him laid off. At that point he was extremely angry and swore to get revenge. I didn't know this was happening at the time he did it so I was unable to stop him from carrying out his plans. Upon an invitation, he found out that his then seperated wife was planning to attend a party at her friend's place and they wanted to meet both of them in person because they liked the couple together despite their seperations. Unfortunately, during the party, the young man for the first time beat his wife in front of everyone and he was close to choking her to death but she was saved. He was arrested for assault but after the divorce case, he was released but had to undergo mental treatment. I don't know how they could come to such a decision since he punched her several times in the face, chest, and head and she was bleeding. She later went to jail for libel after his employer and the psychologist found out that his ex-wife engineered his getting fired. He did eventually get to go back to work and his parents no longer had to pay for his treatment as the company decided to step in and compensate him. He's mentally stable for the most part but he just misses his happy days of his marriage when the two were together and so in love. They were lovers ever since high school and they helped each other in studies and life that I could never believe that this would happen.
"I feel for your friend and he is able to overcome the devastation that has occurred in his marriage, but I do understand that he needs to go through the grieving process (if the affair and divorce is relatively new)."
After the young man and his ex-wife got divorced and he was freed, for a year and a half the young man would often shout at his parents in anger, be it on the phone to the point that we could hear him next door or when they'd visit him, every time one of them tried to convince him to be assertive. He'd shout back with a hair-trigger response and even throw things around and sometimes break down and cry like mad. My wife and I are great friends with his parents and try to revive his happiness. It's getting there but he's too afraid that he's getting too old (he'll be 33 in 4 months) and that he'll never get married as a result and that his dream of having children would never come to pass. He always said that if he had children, it would bring back memories of his childhood and make him feel so good.
"He should begin by reaffirming his strong points and working on things to better himself little by little. A very good thing for him to do now is to start reading more, which is what I have been doing and it really does make a difference!
I just finished a book called Spirit Driven Success, by Dani Johnson and it was extremely informative and inspiring. I highly recommend it! (I am reading it again)"
Nowadays he seldom shouts but a couple of times when his parents tried to help him find a partner, he was unable to answer to them about the divorce. I don't know if he brought it up or his potential partners asked him but in both cases, the friendship would end on the first meeting itself. I could talk to his parents and perhaps get him to read the book. Better yet, my wife thinks that she and I should first read it and pick up some key points and relate them to him so that we can get him to learn more. I'll pass this on to his parents as well. They were able to get him to do yoga and cut down some of the anguish and anger so far so I think this might help as well.
Reply to Carla Waters February 6, 2009 1:06 AM
ReplyDeleteHi Carla,
That is such extreme cruelty a man could do to his wife and daughter even to the point of a near "honor killing". I can't imagine that your mother and father could ever reconcile let alone remarry. How did they do that?
Speaking of "honor killings", I read about such things in the Hindu and Muslim realms but such atrocities in this country generally end up sending shockwaves across communities, state, and even the nation. Last year, there was an honor killing of a Pakistani girl by her father just because she wanted out of her arranged marriage. Check it out.
http://pakspeaks.com/2008/07/28/pakistani-honor-killing-in-america/
There was also a well known honor killing in Idaho in 1989 when a man raped and impregnated his 13 year old daughter and killed her in bed at an abortion clinic in Oregon because she did not want to give birth to the child produced from rape. She only needed permission from one of her parents and her mother gave full approval. The girl's name was Spring Adams. Her mother was also murdered by her father.
Doing a google search on "Honor Killings in America" gave me some of the shockers on the small rise of such atrocities. They're not as bad as what you'd find in countries like Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, India, and those kind of places but let's hope the bible thumpers don't take hold of the idea.
Hi Crowd3rGirl and Frederick,
ReplyDeleteI'm doing fine, thank you. My husband and I are still happily married and never stop looking after each other even in these horrible times. I can remember back in my younger days even before I hit high school every day I'd get laughed at or pushed aside just because I was too shy and scared to talk. And the bruises and metal on my body though not always visible made everyone uncomfortable to be near me. It wasn't until 7th grade that a older boy 3 years older than me approached me and asked if everything's ok. At first I would deny it but time and again, he would come back and find out that I looked like I was in a serious fight or something. The more he offered to offer comfort and company and the more I kept turning down his offers, the more I would find myself weeping because for once I found myself meeting someone who actually cared for me in addition to my mother. I finally couldn't stand to deny myself an opportunity and slowly confided to him my plight. I did not know that he was the son of a police officer until the day after my father was arrested and imprisoned. I was shocked when I found out that my boyfriend was the son of a cop and told him to leave me alone since I was unable to cope up my father in prison and everyone in school further ostracizing me. I did eventually go to him and begged for his forgiveness for my misunderstanding and haste and he accepted it surprisingly and eventually became best friends and lovers. As for my mother, she refused to let my father near her and would at first hold her gun and threaten him if he tried but my husband's father was able to get a psychiatrist to prove that he has indeed reformed himself. The surprising thing about their reconciliation and eventually remarrying was that my mother confided to me that they had never been so much in love in all their lives and not even when they first met or when they first got married were they anywhere close to being in love. I had taken it to probably mean that the first time they got married, it was an arranged marriage but when they got married the second time, it was true love. Those are the moments I cherish and try to remember over the brutal days.
Frederick, while I feel sorry about the plight of that young man, I still cannot forgive him for battering his ex-wife in public even though she cheated and destroyed his reputation through libel. Violence is not the solution to any problem. Crowd3rGirl did recommend that he go through a grieving process although I'd say he's had too much of it from what you describe. The reason he probably wasn't able to make out on his potential matches was that his arrest record for what he did to his ex-wife had probably haunted him and rightly so. When someone wants to find a new partner and remarry, the last thing he or she wants is a conviction record and especially if it's for violence and assault on an ex-spouse. If he hadn't battered his ex-wife that one time, he would have less to explain but even if he can prove that he had enough and all, his chances of getting a new wife are slimmer. Even for my parents, my father had to go through extensive pains to prove that he was reformed and my mother was stronger in not believing him for the most part. Once a man or woman does a life threatening assault and gets into trouble with the law for it, it's harder to take him or her seriously. Good luck though.
Hi Carla,
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how God sent that young man to you when you were younger (it was no coincidence that his father was a cop, God delivered you!) and was able to bring some form of normalcy into your life from all of that drama. I am very happy for you and hope that you both continue in a strong and healthy marriage to one another!
It bothers me that kids in school taunt one another to such vicious degrees primarily because they do not know what that individual is going through personally. Your husband is a very good man to not only help you, but to stay by your side and not use the issues in your family against you.
What you said, "the first time they got married, it was an arranged marriage but when they got married the second time, it was true love." is a very powerful testimony of what God is capable of doing!
I remember you stating that you and your mother were atheists, but when you sit back and look at your story you can see God's fingerprints all over it.
The outcome could have been very different and very bleak had certain events or people not taken place/ intervened.
This says it all, "my mother confided to me that they had never been so much in love in all their lives and not even when they first met or when they first got married were they anywhere close to being in love." That is all with the power of God's love!
Amazing and very inspiring!
Love never fails...
crowd3rgirl,
ReplyDeleteI know it has been quite a while but I've been busy on and off at work and I kept forgetting to visit your website up until now. I am quite amazed not only by your post but by the comments so far and I must say, some make me feel a bit skittish while the rest kind of remind me a lot about my life's decisions despite all the ambivalence I had. I feel awfully sorry to see everything you are going through. I know Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm close to turning 28 which will be towards the end of the month but I'm doing all I can to not let age bother me. When a couple of my coworker men in their early 30s could do it, I don't see why I couldn't. Unfortunately, there are just some issues which keep me feeling that I really am cursed that I'll never get married. For one thing, I never dated or even had a long term boyfriend when I was a teen or even when I was in college. I have met a few guys at different times but only as casual acquaintances. Sometimes my parents tried to hook me up as well but usually it would end up that the date would never last beyond the first meeting because the partner to be would sound and act totally different plus sometimes the guy had too many expectations while at other times he would think I had too many expectations. My parents, loving as they are, always thought I expected too much but would later go easy on me. At this rate though, I have a bad feeling I won't even come close to getting married until I'm in my mid 30s and then it will be too late and my life will be ruined.
I know Valentine's Day is right around the corner but rather than hang out at a disco or something, I'm going to visit my parents again. They also wanted to introduce me to a man who they think might be who I'm looking for so I'll see how that goes and report it on Tuesday when I go back to St Louis. And this time, when I come across the small towns, I'll try not to let the dilapidated rusty status bring tears to my eyes. The reason is once I asked my parents how they could put up living in this small town even as it's depopulating and losing business and they keep telling me that God will somehow take care of it. At one point my father questioned my religiosity when I asked him why God isn't helping this miserable town and he grabbed my shoulders and told me never to say that again. He cried and then I cried since I could never stand my parents being in tears. It's not that I'm not religious but everytime I leave St Louis to travel out west for 4 hours down I-44, the small towns look worse than the last time I visited them. At times, my parents and brothers think that being a city girl has ruined my chances of falling in love and getting married. They'll even nag me on what I wear. They'll sometimes say "Oh Jenny, please don't wear shorts or short skirts and wierd pantyhose and boots because you'll look like a silly slut and no man will want to marry you!" I wear various clothing and not for looks alone but for health and comfort reasons but they'll sometimes not listen. Other than what I wear and my being single, my parents love my ambitious moves in life and that I turned from fat to slender after I moved.
I'll admit that it's not just my parents that ask me to get married. My coworkers and friends can sometimes get annoying when they flatter me about my long and thick hair, my face looking beautiful, and being well dressed and slender and then use that to ask me why I'm not married. I have to tell them to go away.
I admit that life can sometimes feel lonely as a single and especially if I never dated anyone in my life let alone gotten married. On the other hand, I shudder to wonder how much worse it would have gotten had I a bad relationship as a teen let alone an adult. I hear that teen dating violence is going up in the recent times.
I have plenty more to say but I think I can bring more points up as we discuss more. I hope everything works out for you and if I don't get to catch you on Saturday, Happy Valentine's Day. I still think that there is always a second chance in life when it comes to relationships and even marriage no matter the odds.
Hi Jennifer!
ReplyDeleteHow are you? You are such a sweetheart! :)
I am glad to hear from you again. I was wondering how things were going with you. As for me I am doing ok,
surprisingly Valentine's Day does not bother me. I am actually looking forward to being alone and focusing on myself for a change.
This bad turn is actually working out to be the best thing that has happened to me because I am now at the age where I can understand what I did wrong when I was younger and I now have the time and tools to develop myself emotionally and mentally as an individual.
If the seperation had never taken place, I would have been left to deteriorate as a woman and mother not able to help myself or be much good to anyone else.
You are just fine! I know a lot of married women and trust me, they would much rather be in your shoes. There are some people who are great together as a couple, but not everyone gets to experience a dynamic relationship. So, you shouldn't worry, you are still very young.
I will be 30 this year (omgdnss!) and feel like such a baby because I never really dated either. I mean I did the teenage puppy love thing and then went out with a few guys after that (these are relationships that lasted less than 1 year), but as far as going on dates with people I only have done it twice! (I wound up marrying the 2nd person that I dated). Needless to say, my inexperience in dating has caused me some real issues.
Dating, as defined by "any social activity undertaken by (typically) two people with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse", is an extremely important process. Keyword: ASSESSING. I had never thought to do that when I dated those few times! I had no clue of what I was to do and how it worked.
With each date you are not only learning about the other person, but you are learning things about yourself that may or may not be so attractive to the opposite sex. Overall, it is an opportunity that should be taken advantage of and if done the right way, should help you in finding the right person as opposed to staying in a bad relationship because you don't know any better.
Like you said, domestic violence is on the rise and is starting in younger and younger couples. It is sad, but this is why I stress the importance of interacting with a potential partner on a non-sexual level to really see what the person is about.
Well, Happy Valentine's Day to you too! Thank you :)
Things will work out for you as well, you seem like a beautiful woman inside and out. It is better for you to wait for the right one than to rush into a miserable relationship with the wrong man. Your family could appreciate the wait if they consider you actually being in a relationship with an abusive person.
They are good people and mean well, but your family only knows where they have been. It is a really big world, not for them to be afraid of stay away because God created the world and gave it to Mankind to enjoy.
Do they visit you out in the city much?
If not, I do encourage them to do so and travel more to broaden their horizons and to see that there is so much more to learn and see in life than the small town that they know and love. :)
It's a big world Jen, so don't worry about the clothes you wear. Different people are attracted to different things and you would be happier with someone who has similar tastes, than someone who will try to change who you are.
We are both romantics whether or not if the odds are against us! ;)
I am confident that we will both get what we deserve in the love department. Don't give up & God Bless!
Hi Crowd3rGirl,
ReplyDeleteI just got back a few hours ago from my parent's visit and I must say that I should have read your message the day before I ended up going on a quasi-date that was doomed to fail from the start along with the rest of this miserable weekend which brought me loads of weeping and yet unexpected sources of love in some ways. I read your posts and I think that you are a sweetheart as well. It's sad to watch how your life got wrecked due to deception and mistreatment. Any time I read or hear the word sweetheart, I feel touched. On the issue of dating, I can see why going out on multiple dates can help one learn oneself better and communicate better. For most of my life, I've been living what one could call the sheltered life after high school until I moved to St Louis and even then I kept more of a low profile of myself but tried to be helpful to my friends, single or married.
Unfortunately, having never dated or even had the chance to have even a temporary relationship in my entire life, I still blame myself for what happened to me on Saturday on the date my father tried to introduce me to. I was visiting my parents for a 3 day weekend since my company gave Monday off as paid leave for President's Day. I had relatives visit too and surprisingly, my favorite uncle who always adored me and my ways and still had hope that I would succeed despite my shyness and feeling left out in life showed up. His wife died of cancer at a young age and his two daughters each faced divorce but married someone else. He would never let them insult me in front of him so they'd always try to tease when he wasn't around but I've learned to tolerate their potential bullying and even fight back where needed. My brothers and their partners also showed up. So I got introduced to this man who happened to be friends with one of my not so favorite classmates. We introduced each other but then it all turned worse when he started preaching the need for me to convert into a "sexy housewife" since he was obsessed with my looks and not paying attention to who I really am. I then made it clear that I chose to be what I wanted to be in life and that I had no desire so far to convert back. He said that I'd eventually cave in or be a miserable loser for the rest of my life. At this point, I thought that I'd rather drum it into his head that I will not be used as a slave wife and then his friends started poking fun. My father and uncle immediately approached the table and threatened to turn them in if they laid a finger on me so they backed off. My uncle also threatened to report the man's behavior to his father who just so happened to be his business partner. Without my uncle, the man's father wouldn't be in business. My father and uncle also warned them not to even think of spreading slander about me and threatened to hold them accountable if they did. For the first time, my father actually stood up for me and told them with a very tough tone that he's actually proud of my achievements and that they have no business to belittle them. My father and uncle did not sit next to me but sat a few tables down to avoid recognition and yet protect which I at first objected to but in the end thanked them for. They told me not to let anyone know about the incident and that they'd slowly let my mother know.
My father did sound different when we came home and my mother was suspicious even as my siblings and cousins suspected that my coming back too soon meant that somehow I was a complete failure. That night I overheard my parents discussing the whole thing all night long and the more they debated the more I wept in bed blaming myself for ruining their Valentine's Night. My father insisted that I would be happy if they accept me for who I am so far while my mother insisted that I'll only be happy when I get married. She even argued with him that she never got to be independent but he apologized and decided to make up by sharing some of the housework for a change. Still, my mother had yet to be convinced that just getting married doesn't solve the happiness issue but then again, so did I as I would find out the next day. Sunday wasn't so bright either. Almost everyone had a kissing partner except my favorite uncle and myself and I'd keep getting pushed to the sides while there were conversations going on that I finally decided to leave the family gathering and go to my bedroom. My uncle showed up a little later and told me he was worried about my lack of presence and asked if I was alright. I said I was alright but I couldn't stand myself for lying like that. In any case, he asked if there was anything he could do and still asked if I really was ok and if not what the matter was. I kept repeating that everything's fine but everytime I repeated I kept hesitating. He was about to leave reluctantly when I finally couldn't stand myself any longer and decided to confess that I really was feeling very miserable and lonely and cried on his shoulders. I told him everything I overheard from my parents' conversation last night and he sought to calm down my anxieties and unhappiness. He explained to me how he learned to overcome his grief of losing his wife and even watching his two daughters end up in divorce. I even admitted to him that I was scared that I would never get married because I never dated let alone successfully.
More than getting married, my uncle and now my father want me to be a truly happy woman. He referred me to http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/ and plans on visiting me from time to time. My parents are also planning on visiting me on the weekend of my birthday.
Hi Jennifer, Sorry it took so long for me to respond. No school for the kids for an entire week was a very trying experience! lol
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that the event turned out bad in the beginning, but it seems that you have got something more valuable out of that experience (in the end) than getting to know a potential partner.
I am happy and proud of the stand that your father and uncle took in your defense and their attitude of encouragement can only spread to the rest of the family :)
You will do very well in the days to come! Continue to be strong in your career and plans for your future, you have the support from your family and myself. With your new confidence you will find yourself ready date and ultimately find the right guy for yourself.
Let me know how things are going ;)
Hi Jennifer and crowd3rgirl,
ReplyDeleteJennifer, I remember you from legwear.gather.com and thanks for inviting me here. I must say that I feel bad that you're going through all this pain and same for you crowd3rgirl. I'm a Hindu by the way but we're not really that far apart. You probably do know, however, that unlike the West, marriages are arranged in much of the East although that's changing too, at least in the big cities. I was born here in America but grew up with a mix of eastern and western values. All along I was feeling awful that having turned 32 earlier this month, I must be getting past a marriageable age but as I have been meeting quite a lot of single women surprisingly within the Hindu culture 35-40, I felt even more sad for them than I did about myself for not catching up in life. Some never married while some divorced. Usually, Indian women are treated the worst if they're single at this age and are often tormented to the point that they'll even commit suicide but that too seems to be changing as more women are rising up and saying no to getting pushed into being married just to satisfy an audience or even a dying relative. Even a lot of the young men are trying to stop being played as puppets and actually communicate with their would be girls. I haven't dated before myself and I even turned down girls in high school and college who wanted to be early lovers. I felt that I really didn't know the meaning of love anyway and I look back and don't regret it for one moment. By the way, is it just me or is it normal for one to view the meaning of love in a totally different light say at 30 in contrast to 15 or even 23? Also, since you're separating from your husband, how are your kids taking this? Is there any chance you think that you and your husband just might give each other a second chance to love each other and possibly get remarried similar to Carla Water's parents?
By the way Jennifer, I saw your profile both here and at your site and you look beautiful. And thanks for standing up for some fashion equality just like Steve N.
Hi Ranjit,
ReplyDeletewelcome and thank you for stopping by! You have so much insight into what you are saying and I agree that one should stand up for what is right for them in the arena of love.
Love is so much more complex and different at age 30 than it is at 15, which is why I started this blog in the first place. I was still operating as a 15 year old within my relationships and was cornered into making a life altering decision.
I do think about what Carla's parents went through and consider it being applied to my own situation, but to be honest, I feel that this is my path to take and I am VERY greatful for it. I have no regrets in my decision to leave a bad situation and trust me this was not a fly by night, spur of the moment type of decision.
This was something that I foresaw (if that is a word) in the beginning and somthing that had to happen in order for me to better myself as a person.
Thank you so much for being so kind and considerate :)
My son is from a previous relationship and because of the things that happened throughout the marriage he is fine with the seperation. Our daughter together is still too young to fully understand, but is coping with it fine. There is not much out of the ordinary from what it used to be when we lived together. The only difference is that he has his place and I have mine.
I try to communicate to her as openly as possible about what happened, and I find that children respond to how you react. I am not falling apart and getting depressed about it, so she is ok too. She does miss him being around at times, naturally, and she does have the opportunity to see him so, I think that the situation works out as is.
Do not feel bad for not marrying yet, I cannot stress that enough. There is no set age or life rulebook that was written which requires one to be married by a certain age. The truth of the matter is that there is a whole new breed of people to interact with and it is much harder to find genuine, good hearted people that you can entrust your heart to and spend the rest of your life with.
It is better to find and work on a relationship that will withstand the hands of time than to rush into a world of headaches and problems with the wrong individual.
Ranjit, you are ok in my book! ;)
You are a very wise man, I pray that the right one comes along for you, because you deserve a woman who is beautiful inside and out.
God bless :)
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ReplyDeleteHi crowd3rgirl and ranjit,
ReplyDeleteI'm back. It's been quite a ride since I last posted. I turned 28 late last month and my parents and uncle even surprised me when they showed up at my condo after yet another long day at work and then the gym to cool me off. They felt really bad for me after I left and returned home. It was fun actually having them over for a change in a long time and we actually got to play and have fun as if we all were young children. But more than anything, my mother was the one who kept begging to visit me and my dad and uncle thought it was a great idea. Since my parents and uncle stayed with me the rest of the week after the 25th into the weekend, they were able to get an idea as to what life was like for me as a city girl. I was still having moments of grief and loneliness time and again and since my parents were there to catch me on being grieved, they were hell bent on wiping those tears from my face before leaving. I was not only having residual sad feelings about the unhappy Valentine's weekend but I couldn't contain my deep sorrow as I had recently found out the worst of what happened to my most admired coworker who was a great team player and a great helper to the company 5 months after getting laid off. He and his wife couldn't afford to pay for the house any longer and decided to sell it off before the worth further plummetted and now both of them live in a mobile home, are unemployed, and grow their own mini-garden out in the rural areas 50 miles west of St Louis County. He still has his cell phone and his wife and I communicate every now and then. They say that their lives are happier although they still have to deal with storing what they couldn't take with them. After I told my parents about my deep sorrow and compassion, they sought to calm me down from my fears. My mother especially wanted to talk with me privately about the marriage and everything else. Her goal was to pull me out of once again feeling isolated in life and discussed with me her actual thoughts on my being isolated from others in my childhood days just because I didn't look perfectly "normal". She reminded me that without realizing it, I had turned what others viewed as disabilities into strong points. Her further discussions on love and marriage also made me realize that all too often, I kept fearing that I would be Cinderalla without the Fairy Godmother. Now I realize the sheer folly of these fairy tales and while I might be ready to weep about the brainwashing to our young these fairy tales can do to them, I actually feel determined to wipe those tears away and continue to stand up and maybe even help others who are going through similarly sad situations because they have been mislead by the fairy tale madness.
Ranjit, I would also love to thank you and Steve N. for also helping me connect the dots and further dispelling the fairy tale myth. Yes, men wore skirts, tights, and even heels and boots back in the Middle Ages though not in the explicit fashion style that women wear them as today. Luckily, most women actually tone down and are standing up for themselves. I know this may sound perverse but one humourous way to dispel these fairy tale mentalities of "the prince and princess living happily ever after" is to say "Ah, but the prince in each of those fairy tales wore tights and even a skirt but not the prince in today's world. :)" Well, you get the idea. Someone once suggested that if men were allowed to dress like women just like women dressing like men, then maybe men would understand and feel a bit more compassionate about women in general. While I can't say that it's necessarily true, I have to admit that a few male bicyclists I came across wearing tights actually told me that their blood pressure went down after wearing tights under their clothes. I have to admit though that contrary to what a lot of today's people say about a guy being "gay" for wearing tights, a guy actually makes his legs look more masculine and lean by wearing them just like most men back in the Middle Ages. Yes, Steve N. has taken my views with a lot of interest and in fact he doesn't mind women giving their perspective of men in tights and even relating it to women in tights. I always said that if men wore as many types of clothing as did women, the love by infatuations would actually drop big time and so too would the divorce rate in this country believe it or not. As for arranged marriages, my parents kind of had that in mind. While I'll most likely be finding a suitable man to be my life partner on my own, I really don't mind my parents finding a guy for me either just so long as I have the final say. Like love marriage, I think arranged marriages aren't necessarily a bad thing provided it's all done right. I've come across quite a few Indian and Pakistani couples who had their marriages arranged and interestingly, they did not allow love and sex to be their main determining factors. In fact, with arranged marriages, love and sex comes after the marriage. The sex part I can understand but love after getting married? Now that's kind of weird. I need to find out more about it and please feel free to share with us your understanding of arranged marriages vs love marriages. I think we all can benefit from it all.
No response from anyone in a long time. If I'm not here on Mother's Day, take this as Happy Mother's Day in advance and god bless you.
ReplyDeleteHi crowd3rgirl,
ReplyDeleteYou should meet Sioux Rose who JenniferBedingfield met on commondreams.org. She might be spiritual but you are her have a lot in common.
By the way Jennifer Bedingfield, I'm sorry to hear what happened to you last week and I hope you recover and make it well. We on CD miss you dearly and even Alternet ain't looking like much. I love your fierce independence. :)
ReplyDeleteFred,
ReplyDeleteSame here. I haven't heard from her since.
By the way crowd3rgirl, how are you doing these days? I hope everything is working out as best as possible and I hope you make it in life. There's still room to find a better man.
Hi Carla and Fred,
ReplyDeleteI'm back and am ready to get back to normal. I think crowd3rgirl is trying to work things out. Not too long ago, one of my best friends had to leave her home because of her abusive husband. I chose to help her out and keep her company so she was welcome to stay in my condo. Separating and breaking up are the most painful moments of life. I think that crowd3rgirl has been unfairly put through too much living hell for no reason. I hope she gets through all this well. I look forward to her insights.