Where I Am Today...

Have you ever sat down to yourself quiet and alone and asked, "How did I get here?" The choices that you made leading up to this point in time are as vague as the clothes you wore 2 weeks ago.
It is sad to say that it took me this long to understand some of the fundamentals of being in a decent relationship. Things will never be 100% perfect when you factor in human error, but there are some things that every female should know and practice for better quality relationships.
I do not want to exclude teens that are beginning to date because they are more susceptible to making the same mistakes that older women have already made.
So, I'll start by saying females, in general, have always been required to deal with whatever they get in a relationship and be satisfied with less than what they put out whether it be effort, affection, communication or love.
(I'm not saying that every woman is in an unfulfilling relationship, however, I am primarily speaking to the ones who are.)
You want more, you deserve more so why don't you have more?
More starts with you.

Going from teenager to womanhood (for most if not all females) is quite difficult, more difficult than most would like to acknowledge.
The painful scars of rejection and ridicule combined with the pressures of looking a certain way in order to be considered attractive seems to have conditioned females on a large scale to operate in ways counterproductive to enabling them to experience emotional growth and quality relationships.
This is what I have learned from my own personal journey so far:

1.) Know Your Self Worth - When you shop for anything be it clothes, food or a car, etc., do you purchase just anything old, torn, expired or rusted thing or do you consider if the item is "Worth" spending your hard earned money on? You are no different. Understand that you ARE worthy enough to have a loving, caring and positive relationship with a guy who truly respects you. Start by not comparing yourself to others and focusing on/reinforcing your good qualities to boost your Self-Esteem.

2.) Bring Something To The Table - Before you could attempt at being in a relationship with another human being you have to assess who and where you are in life. Spending time alone is NOT a bad thing nor is being single because it gives you the freedom to do what you have to do for yourself and most importantly, get to know yourself. Find out what your strengths and weaknesses are. What areas would you like to improve? What bad habits do you have that you would like to change? What are your goals? These are good questions to ask yourself to better understand who you are and what you want in order to empower yourself to make a conscious decision. This will help you to have better control of the quality of your relationships. Also ask yourself, "What qualities do you want in your man?"
You must be a reflection of what you want in your partner, so that you can recognize that character in him and have stronger compatibility. If you are lazy don't expect to be with a hardworking guy. If you are a slob, do not expect to be with a "neat freak". If you are cheap/stingy you cannot expect to be with a generous and giving man.

3.) Set Standards - Now that you've been working on bettering yourself and actually having something to bring to the relationship table you can be confident enough to know what you want and know that you deserve it. Ask yourself, "What type of guy am I looking for? Make a checklist of qualities/ character traits that you definitely want, the ones that you can deal with either way, then those that you can do without. It's important to know what you will and absolutely will not accept upfront so that you do not wind up down the road in a disastrous relationship where you despise the person you thought you loved. This will save you and any potential daters time and stress. Set your standards and stick to it! Females often times have a problem with accepting BS from guys to compensate for something as insignificant as, "well, he made me pay for the dinner AND the movie, but he smelled so good and has such a great body..." You are compromising your better judgment for something that cannot hold the relationship together in a time of crises. Now I am not saying that you should expect him to pay for everything when you go out on a date. (Like I said in #3, if you are cheap don't expect to be with someone generous.) If you are cheap you are automatically thinking that he will pay your way. And if you think that way then it might be too soon to start dating because you have "Cinderella" syndrome.
ALWAYS BYOM! (Bring Your Own Money) Even if just for emergencies sake, you might need to take a cab or you might get stranded somewhere. Also, if you have your own money you can at least offer to pay half if he decides to foot the bill. Doing this can also give you a glimpse into his personality to see if he is in fact generous or cheap, *but be cautious. Many times a guy will offer to pay and cater to you because he wants "something" in return. To counter that, (if you BYOM) you do have a choice to say, "No, thank you." Consistency on your part is recommended as it will expedite the discovery of his intentions and if he is truly into you or just trying to get into your pants.
Stick to your guns and if it doesn't smell right then DON'T proceed. If you are unsure, use your checklist to determine if this person is even worth your time for a second date. (BTW, if you bring the checklist with you please be discreet about it! Don't pull it out at the dinner table and start asking questions and checking things off. And if I had to tell you that it might be too soon to start dating, lol) Unless the date is a total disaster you might want to consider additional dates until you have enough input to make an informed decision. Set standards, but be realistic about them.

4.) Pay Attention - Giving your heart to someone is no laughing matter. When you apply for a job you fill out an application and have to go on an interview (in most cases) right? So, take yourself seriously and think about who this person is that you are about to let into your heart and world. Yes the feeling of love is nice and wonderful, but feelings change. They are inconsistent and are not the best gauge for determining the quality of a relationship. It is better to have a strong foundation of communication, which promotes trust within a relationship than to ride on the emotional rollercoaster without that foundation in tact. Pay attention to what he says and does not say. Pay attention to what he does and does not do. Pay attention to how he speaks to others (especially his own mother!) and most of all talk to a reliable source (**someone that you trust to tell you the ugly truth no matter what) like a brother/sister, parents or a very close friend. Discuss some of the things that bothers you about the person you are dating to try to understand who they are and most importantly who you are. More often than not your family is good at spotting a loser or someone who does not have your best interest in mind. When you're deciding to go to the next level introduce your guy and pay attention to what your friends/family says about him and the vibes that they get from him. They won't be right 100% of the time, but being cautious will save you the headache of saying, "I wish someone told me that guy was such a jerk in the beginning!" or hearing the words, "I told you so..."

A lot of you aren't going to like me for this, but this is a deterrent when it comes to finding someone decent to start a quality relationship...

5.) No Sex - There are many views and opinions about this topic and I am not going to get into mine, but having sex before you really get to know a person is a serious problem. Even if you do get past the pregnancy scares and still maintain a clean bill of health there is still a present danger. So, you see a guy you like and he seems to like you too. You both hit it off and you delve into conversation sometimes, but are having sex even more than you talk. Can you honestly say that you know this person? Have you seen how he deals with conflict? Do you know what makes him tick? Is he someone you can really trust with your heart? With your life?
It's scary to think about isn't it? Here you could be lying down next to a truly disturbed or abusive individual and you didn’t even know it because you did not try to get to know this person. Now as alarming as that may have sounded, imagine getting pregnant or even marrying this person? You would be looking at a lifetime of pain and Ladies, it's just not worth it. It will be hard at times, but your body is way too precious to just give to anyone who tells you what you think you want to hear!

This is to help my fellow sisters to be better decision makers when it comes to their emotional happiness and well being :)


Where's My Happily Ever After?

A pipe dream was sold to a little girl from the big screen,
By the age of 15 she'd set out to achieve,
Like Cinderella and Prince Charming or Adam and Eve...
That fairytale dream she had seen on the screen.

A few years later she finds that it was all lies
Through broken promises, a shattered heart and many tears.
Her prince wore a disguise.
Something that most young girls like her don't recognize,
Until the dream is destroyed right before their very eyes.

Now at the age of 28 she sat back and realized that she had no happily ever after.
Where's MY happily ever after? Said she
A beautiful princess with dreams of becoming a queen...

The story, undone, has yet to be told.
Who know what may happen or what the future holds.
If she could think it then why couldn’t it be?
She hopes it is marked in her destiny.
Till then I await happily ever after for me.

-RCH 3.27.08

We have been sold a dream. From a young age these mind numbing fairytales, which lead us to believe that a prince charming would sweep us off of our feet and whisk us away into his already furnished castle to a life where he caters to our every whim and gives us money to do whatever we please took us so far from reality... But now it's time to Get Real! In this day and age men are not as chivalrous as in times past, and the ones that are gentlemen are hard to find. This fairytale mentality is dangerous for women and girls alike. We have to get a grip work on ourselves and realize that we don't have to accept or allow bad relationships to happen to us. We can have it if that is what we choose...